Overcoming feeling embarrassed about trying to become an 'internet person'

Anxiety. I think everyone has experienced it at some point in their life. Whether it was just for a fleeting moment when doing an activity like a job interview, going on stage, whatever it is. But for people like me who suffer with it all the time it's truly not a lie to say it affects everything I do.

I wanted for a long time to get serious about my blog, instagram, and even contemplating starting to film regular youtube videos. But honestly, it's so scary. My biggest worry is actually people I know will see it, like people I went to school with or people I don't speak to anymore and I couldn't tell you why thats my biggest worry.. (well I can; it's just how anxiety works!).

I love writing blog posts, but thanks to my coginitive disfunction it's quite difficult. I can't write the blog post and proof read it the same day because just writing the thing and trying to organise my muddled thoughts is really fatiguing. Then proof reading can take me hours. I'll be staring at the screen and I can't physically see the words properly. I'm unsure if it's due to my cognitive disfunction or my cataracts getting worse (or properly both) but it does make me feel a little stupid; blogging can be hard.

I thought because of these issues I would find it impossible to edit a video for Youtube, but actually I was pleasantly surprised that wasn't the case! I enjoyed editing my videos and it wasn't ~as~ mentally taxing. It was even a little easier to get my thoughts onto film rather than typing them out because I could just say out loud what I wanted to say and then just edit out the brain fog moments and get to the point!

I thought 'this is great! A medium I could potentially keep up with?!'. However, if I can barely deal with the thought of people I know reading my blog; how the hell am I meant to deal with the idea of people watching me on youtube?! I was thinking maybe I'm just not cut out to do this sort of stuff online. I find it too hard and I care too much what other people think. At one low point when questioning what I wanted to do with myself I was even thinking: 'maybe if these test results that I'm waiting for come back with something really bad: I'll just be able to do it and not care' how depressing is that!

But moving forward a few months later, people have contacted me about my wheelchair vlogs saying that they've helped in some way, or they liked it, even making a really good internet friend (Hi Kody!) it's actually made me feel like I could do it. Maybe I can just move slowly?

It shouldn't take that cliché turning point in your life to do things you really want to do but are too scared about what people think; like in the movies when people get dianogised with terminal illnesses and suddenly realise they just want to do what they want. If you're reading this and thinking "oh yeah but I still can't, it's too embarrassing" it isn't. Everyone has that thing they want to do but feel held back by anxiety and people's opinions, so try and be the one who actually does it because you'll be a lot happier than the people who you think could be 'judging' you! Just take baby steps..